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Besides working on cars,
nothing solidifies one’s manliness so much as barbecuing. This brings
us to rule number one. NO GAS GRILLS! EVER! This is a complete abomination
of all that is holy grilling. ALWAYS, ALWAYS USE CHARCOAL! There
is no exception to this rule. Period. If you’re going to cook with
gas, go back inside the house and turn on the stove. Or better yet,
put away what you were going to barbecue, and get one of your old
lady’s microwaveable lean cuisine’s, nancyboy!
Now, another solidifier
of manliness is beer. A lot of beer. You CAN NOT barbecue without
beer. To do this is just plain wrong and you really can’t appreciate
how funny it is that you almost singed your eyebrows (we’ll get
to that part next) when lighting the fire. So, it doesn’t matter
what kind of beer you buy, just buy something. You need to be at
least one beer in and started on your second by the time you open
the bag of charcoal.
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Quick
and Easy Italian Eggplant Sandwiches
Eggplant Sliced 1/2 inch
thick, sliced Roma tomatoes, sliced mozzarella cheese, fresh basil
leaves, olive oil, salt and pepper.
Each sandwich should
be in an individual foil pack.
Lightly brush eggplant
with olive oil and salt and pepper. Lay down piece of eggplant.
Place 2 to 3 leaves fresh basil down. Next place enough slices of
tomato to cover circumference of eggplant. More basil. Add 2 to
3 medium thickness slices of mozzarella cheese. Top with more basil
and last slice of eggplant. Wrap in foil and place on grill. Cook
over glowing coals for 20 minutes. Flip occasionally. If unsure
unwrap a packet and see if eggplant is soft.
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O.K. so you’ve got your charcoal
and you’re starting to feel a buzz, so the next thing you need to do is
load up that fucker with enough charcoal to power Las Vegas. Tear open
the bag and dump those briquettes in the pit, making sure to arrange them
in some sort of a rough pyramid shape. It’s easier for the fire to get
started if the briquettes are in a pyramid. Why? Go ask a physicist. It
doesn’t matter, it’s just easier.
Now, douse that pile with ¾
of a bottle of lighter fluid (the big size) and douse it good. Let it
soak in for 15 minutes and have a couple more beers.
| Take
your nasty old rusted up grill rack with blackened, charred food permanently
welded to the metal and put in on the grill. If you want to clean
the rack off with a steel wool pad, that’s your prerogative, but leaving
it dirty just makes you manlier, momma’s boy. Besides, the fire will
kill the germs. |
Read the Epicurious guide
to BBQ here.
Read the All Recipes
guide to BBQ here.
Read the Out of the Frying
Pan guide to BBQ here.
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Douse the charcoal and the
grill rack with the remaining ¼ bottle of lighter fluid.
Immediately, light a match
and delicately place it amongst the coals. Don’t freak out either, sissy
boy, its not gasoline, so its not going to explode, just don’t leave your
meaty paw near the grill for too long. Take a step back, raise your arms
to the heavens, tip your beer for your dead homies, and behold the fiery
altar to the gods you have just created.
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One of the many keys
to all things good in life is patience, and a good fire is no exception.
Once your fire is ablaze, leave it alone! Don’t close the lid on
the grill, just let it be. Go inside and prepare what you are going
to be barbecuing.
In this little article,
I’m not going to get into what you should prepare or how. That’s
your business and another article. Personally, I like to do both
meats and veggies on the grill, but this is your preference. So,
get ready what you’re going to cook and then check on the fire.
Then drink another beer,
then check on the fire. Get my drift? If you put your food on before
the fire is ready, you will end up with shoe soles that are all
burned up and black on the outside and pink as the day you were
born on the inside. Not good. Patience, boy, patience! You can’t
wait too long on your fire, the only risk you run is jumpin’ the
gun on it.
You’ll know when the
fire is done because all of the charcoal will be white ash in color
and you won’t see any large flames – small, almost clear flames
are O.K. It’s best if you pick up the grill rack (not with your
bare hands, dummy!) and shuffle the coals around with your tongs.
This helps the fire to breathe and it spreads out the coals so that
you’ve got nice, even heat.
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Marsupial
Burgers
No, they are not made
with Opossums or Koalas. They have a surprise pouch of goodies in
the middle!
1 pound lean hamburger
meat, 2 gloves garlic minced, 1/2 cup fresh minced cilantro, 1 large
tomato chopped fine, 1/2 white onion minced, 1 small can drained
chopped green chilies, juice of one lime, salt and pepper.
Add all the vegetables
and juice to a bowl and stir well. Separate meat into 4 sections
for 4 burgers. Divide each section into 2. Flatten one half out
into patty form. Place a large spoon full of vegetable mixture into
center of patty. With second half of meat make another patty and
place on top of first like a sandwich. Press sides together to enclose
vegetable mixture between two patties.
Grill over medium heat
coals for about 10 minutes, turning over once half way through.
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Remember that “hard veggies”
like corn, potatoes, beans, etc. take quite a long time to barbecue. “Soft
veggies” like tomatoes, squash, zucchini, etc. don’t take quite as long,
but all veggies take longer than meat, so make sure they’ve had plenty
of time to cook before you throw your chops on there, otherwise all of
your food won’t be done at the same time.
Now that all of your grub is
on the rack, close the lid. Make sure the vents are OPEN! You’ll end up
with a snuffed-out fire in no time if you close off the grill. Cooking
times vary on everything depending on what you’re cooking, what type of
grill you have, and so on and so forth. Just remember to turn your food
every 10-15 minutes or so and watch it close and you should be O.K.
| It’s
always a good idea to take meat off the grill when you think its done
and cut a piece off to make sure. Same goes for veggies. Look at it,
take a bite, sniff it. Do whatever you need to do to make sure its
done, because it’s a real pain in the ass to put all of the food back
on the grill after you’ve served it. Plus, that just looks amateur
and will definitely knock you down a notch or two on the manly scale,
and will almost certainly guarantee that you won’t get any play from
your old lady later on in the evening. |
Some
BBQ recipes right here at Naughty Secretary Club!
Shrimp
Kabobs
Thai
Chicken Satay
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Once its done, take your food
off of the grill and serve with other summertime favorites like bread,
potato salad, corn on the cob, watermelon, …the list is endless.
Close the lid of your grill
and the vents. The charcoal will burn out on its own in time, so don’t
get any lame ideas about dumping water in your grill, Ranger Bob.
One last thing. Be proud of
the feast you have just prepared! By burning food over an open flame,
you have become one with nature, just as your caveman ancestors did long
ago. So, beat on your chest, down another Pabst, and chow down in the
summer sun!
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