I am an annoying person to go to the grocery store with. I am unorganized, easily distracted and I always impulse shop. I am lucky to get anyone at all to come along and keep me company.

Most trips to the grocery store my boyfriend and I go together. He is so good to put up with me. Listening to me ramble, watching me huff the fresh herbs and scour cans for dents. Lately as he and I roam the aisles we have been discussing the differences in the way men and women shop. He gets riled up and says I am wrong and stereotyping, and he is right about the latter half. But, I have made some pretty keen observations using him as guinea pig.

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF MALE LOGIC AT THE GROCERY STORE:

ITS OK TO LEAVE AN UNATTENDED CART IN THE AISLE

No its not OK. This is biggie for my boyfriend and a lot of male shoppers in general. If there is a random cart in the middle of the road filled up with green ketchup and frozen corny dogs you can bet it's driver is a few aisles over. Do not leave your cart unattended. Sure it is easier to go down the aisles without your cart, don't you think we know that. Grocery store etiquette however tells us that we need to man our carts at all times. If you leave the cart alone in the middle of the aisle no one is there to graciously move it out of the way when needed.

NO ONE IS GOING TO STEAL YOUR PURSE OUT OF THAT UNATTENDED CART

Yes they will steal my purse out of that unattended cart. I will leave my sweetie in charge of the cart while I dart down an aisle and here he comes up behind me without a trace of the cart or my purse, which is resting inside. Boys carry their "purse" aka wallet on them at all times so it never dawns on them like it does women about leaving a purse unattended. When I mention that he has done this he likes to retort "No one is going to steal your purse". His tone always implying that either I am overly paranoid or that my purse is so ugly no one else would want it. A little bit of both is probably true.

TWO PEOPLE IN TWO LINES IS UNETHICAL

My poor boyfriend finds nothing in the world more unnerving than the way I like to station him in one line while I go stand in another at the grocery store. My theory is we will get out of there even quicker if we both stand in separate lines and then reconvene at who's ever line moves the quickest. If we both stand in the same line inevitably we will choose the one that has that one coupon-toting shopper that has to have 20 price checks. Now I am not talking about a full cart of groceries I am referring to a one or two item deal. My boyfriend refuses to participate in my diabolical "Let's get out of here a little quicker than usual" scheme. Damn him for being such a goody goody.

BUT FAT FREE IS MORE EXPENSIVE / DOES NOT TASTE AS GOOD

Do you want me to continue wearing skimpy underwear, because I can move to the support kind like my mother wears no problem. My boyfriend is a pretty good sport about this actually, it is more expensive, but I do not believe that fat free does not taste as good (accept Ranch dressing, fat free is awful). I hear so many men making these complaints about fat free purchases. If they had not been aware that what they were eating was fat free, they would have never known. As far as it being more expensive, get over it. The medication to treat your high cholesterol levels when you are a fat ass is going to cost even more.

Boys just shop differently than girls and I guess its an intrinsic female thing that we feel like our method at the grocery store is the right one. Like I said I am chocked full of annoying shopping habits whether it be singing along to the 70's jams they pump through the store or having an ADD flare up when I am having to wait in a line. If he can deal with all that I guess I will still let him come to grocery store with me.

"Why I Hate Superchunk or How I Wasted a Saturday Night Watching Tired Indie Rock Instead of Watching a Living Legend Jack Off a Whiskey Bottle"

by Grover Dill

The following is a tale of tragedy, a tale of regret...It's the story of a boy who's momentary fall from good sense has left him alone and confused. O.K. it's not that bad, but I really screwed up.

Before I begin the story, allow me to enlighten you with a little background information. I am a child of the 80's. Born in 1974, I spent my childhood listening to the best and biggest hair bands popular music had to offer. I love the music from the 80's. My favorite band from way back was Van Halen. I can remember my cousin introducing me to them when I was very young. "1984" was my first tape. Damn, I was cool. David, Eddie, Michael, and Alex - who didn't like them? How could you not like someone who rides a giant hair dryer in a video? Even if you didn't like the music, you had to give them credit for style.

Fast forward. It's 1999. I'm old. Well, at least I feel old. My musical tastes have changed slightly. I would consider myself one who is into Indie rock. I play in Indie bands. I probably look Indie rock. And David Lee Roth hasn't ridden a hairdryer in a long time.

O.K. so a big show is coming as far as Indie rock goes: Superchunk, Trail of the dead, and Eric Bachmann from the Archers of Loaf. Pretty creamy, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought, but I thought wrong.

Not too far away, a little forgotten soul by the name of David Lee Roth was singing his heart out and pulling out all the stops. Yelping, cussing, showing his ass, and of course the patented DLR high kicks. Playing all the best songs from the days of Van Halen and early solo stuff...excuse me, it pains me to talk about missing this sometimes.

Anyway, I remember the mailboy at my work commenting on how he was going to see David Lee Roth. I kind of giggled at the thought of it. Why would I go see that? He's old. He's not in Van Halen anymore, and his original solo band is splitsville. It was expensive, plus all of my friends were going to Superchunk. No thanks, not interested, just shoot me right now.

I may have given you the impression that Superchunk was bad. It wasn't. It just was. The highlight of the show was when Superchunk, ToD, and Bachmann got together on stage and played the AOL song "Harnessed in Slums." As cool as it was, it in no way compared to the show that I missed, damn it.

I have read several reviews of the DLR show and it has brought me close to tears. They opened the show with "Hot for Teacher" and didn't slow down. The set list alone was incredible, but Roth's antics and stage presence was what made the evening so entertaining for people that have much better judgement than myself. I mean the guy literally masturbated a bottle of Jack Daniels and gave the show goers in the first row an alcoholic moneyshot they won't soon forget! What is better than that, I ask you?

After all these years, Diamond Dave can still put on a great, energetic show...weill, I can only assume. I promise you, dear friends, that I won't be missing the next show. The only thing more delicious than another DLR tour is a reunited Van Halen tour.

A boy can dream, can't he?

Somewhere a long the "how to be cool road" I lost my way.

by: Doralee Rhodes

Showers are your friend. Why are so many people afraid of them? It seems like within the "Punk rock" culture it somehow became cool to stink. I have been places where I felt out of place because I was fresh as a daisy and had on perfume.

Now don't let me come across as pompous, that is not my intent. I understand that there are some people that honestly do live on the streets and don't have access to showers or places to wash their clothes, these are not the people I am referring to. The people I am pointing a finger at (just one finger because the other one is holding my nose) are those that I know have homes and access to running water. The college students rebelling.

Somewhere a long the "how to be cool road" I lost my way. Someone forgot to tell me that part about smelling like ass makes you more into the scene, more knowledgeable about music, more of a feminist. Kill Rock Stars band coming to town? Better take a gas mask. Not really caring what you look like is fine, attacking my sense of smell is another thing.

Here in Austin we have a local record store, which I won't name. I have honestly found myself avoiding this establishment for fear of passing out. The whole place is coated with the smell of the crusties that go in and out. Having to deal with dank and stinkiness (not to mention bands like Anal Cunt playing overhead) is not my idea of a pleasant shopping experience.